Jan. 19th, 2012

So I am finding it hard to actually give up control and be submissive. I am apparently frequently topping from the bottom and it is frustrating. I am so stubborn and bratty that I would rather just shut up then do as I am asked/told. 

Maybe Sir is right and I really am a switch? I don’t know. 

Maybe I am just to strong in personality to submit fully to my Dom.

Lord knows he tries. He restrains me and spanks me until i have bruises and even the smallest touch hurts. He withholds the pleasure of having him from me and yet i still refuse to give in. 

Maybe I have spent myself in too much control of everything and can’t just let go.

Maybe I am not meant for this life-style…

He pushes me and i just roll my eyes or smirk at him. He tells me i am being a bad girl and he misses his good little girl and i just shut him out and roll over. What is it that he has that could make me give in.

Maybe he should deny me what i want. not allow me to masturbate about him, or talk dirty with him when he isn’t here and then continue to deny me pleasure while he is here. Dangle the urge infront of my face, quiet literally, until i cannot take it anymore and do as he tells me. Would this work or would i be to stubborn to actually let it emotionally affect me. 

Maybe that is it. I have these walls up that he has not passed yet. Too much emotional baggage that he doesn’t know about or seem to care to know about. Too much distance between the two us. I am trying to protect myself from the unknown of what he wants here and what might happen.

I asked my best friend, someone i trust with as much as i can, and this is what i got: 

“You’re a pretty closed off person by default.  You don’t really even open up when you trust somebody (anymore, tyvm he-who-shall-not-be-named).  It’s not that he isn’t strong enough, he’s just demanding things you’re not going to give up.   You’ve closed that part of yourself off, maybe for good or maybe not, but it’s closed off.”

All these months i have been saying i am broken, i thought i was being facetious but the more i think about it the more i think it is true. so very true. Will you help me through it? Will you be there to talk with me and listen to me cry and i take the walls down one by one? Or when i ask you for this will you walk away? Only time will tell. 

Dec. 30th, 2012

You take off my necklace. The one he gave me, so it doesn’t break. A task so delicate and caring, you have little idea what it means to me and I don’t bother sharing. I am too wrapped up in the moment that we are about to have. Hours later we emerge. You have decided that we are going to go out. I get ready in my red dress and stockings. As I gather each stocking and go to place it over my foot I notice you standing in the doorway just watching. You seem totally fascinated by the movements of my hands up my legs and the placing of the silky garments into the holders on the garter.

As we drive to the club you revel in the fact that I don’t have panties on. Running your hands up and down my silk covered legs only to stop and stroke my wet pussy. The time at the club passes quickly and uneventfully. We drink and dance and leave. Once again on the ride home you are stroking my legs.

We get to the house and manage to get to the bedroom where you pull my dress off and your clothing. Push me to the bed with nothing but my garters and stockings still on and sink into me. All night has been building up to this moment. Were our bodies come together with such passion that the head board bangs against the wall and I can swear my neighbors are going to complain.

Hours later we are both spent. You wrap your arms around me and snuggle your face into my neck.